Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
In 1985 Sana Mekhaidali was the first female suicide bomber. She blew herself and five Israeli soldiers up in Lebannon in 1985. I wonder what the female suicide bombers are hoping for in Paradise? I once imagined how it would go:
Scene: Paradise. Sana Mekhaidali has just arrived after blowing herself (and five Israeli
Allah: Welcome my daughter. You shall be rewarded for your faith and commitment to jihad
and showing that old fraud Yaweh that my followers are more devout than his. I suppose
you’ll be wanting 70 virgins like all the other martyrs.
Sana: Certainly not. I’d rather eat raisins. But I could enjoy some pleasures of the
flesh. Perhaps with a fellow jihadist who is handsome…and experienced.
Allah: We haven’t been getting a lot jihadists with experience. They tend to show up
green as new figs. Those men with experience seem less inclined to sacrifice. But there
are a few sent here by the infidel devils. See that group over there. (He points to some
men sitting and smoking)
Allah: Just go over there and say I sent you – they’ll take care of you.
(Sans turns to go.)
Allah (whispering): Oh, and tell them you’re a virgin.